


On the Side of Paradise

by larryownthisass



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Harry and Louis are married, M/M, So much angst, So yeah, Some Domestic Stuff, dealing with death, enjoy, harry dates someone other than Louis for a some amount of time, i don't know what to tag anymore, original Tomlinson Styles kids, we have an illusion of a character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 01:18:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryownthisass/pseuds/larryownthisass
Summary: “Ever has it been that Love knows its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Khalil JubranOr the one where Louis is a climate-change ecologist that goes on a trip to the South Pole with his university research team leaving his husband Harry with two kids and a café to run. Everything was going great until Harry got a call that Louis went missing during a snow blaze and was most likely dead. Moving on is not easy but Harry knows it’s what Louis would have wanted for their family that until Louis shows up at his door again a year and a half later.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> well hello there! thank you for choosing this wild ride of a fic!  
> I want to thank [Ri ](http://rosegoldhl.tumblr.com/) for helping me with the plot when I came to her with this crazy idea, and also for being a beta!  
> I would like to thank my other beta [Kaleigh ](http://harryisabean.tumblr.com/) and my Brit Pick [Iris](https://iris-avis.tumblr.com/)  
> I hope you enjoy this fic and please leave comments and kudos if you do!  
> you can find me on Tumblr [ here ](https://larryownthisass.tumblr.com/)!

“Egan, you better be dressed when I get there!” Harry warns his four year old son as he goes up the stairs to his room. Harry is officially losing his sanity. It’s almost 7:30 am and school starts at 8:15 am. He’s bound to be late at this point.

 It’s been five months since Louis left, and he’s tried to keep the mornings as organized as possible since everything is on him now, no husband to divide the tasks with. Louis is down in the South Pole, how crazy is that? His husband is leading an expedition in the South Pole for the University of London, and Harry is beyond proud. Louis is finishing his PhD with a trip to the South Pole to study the aftermath of climate change on the area.

Harry gets to the first bedroom down the hall and opens the door to find it completely empty. Furious, he slams the door shut and moves to the door across the hall. He’s trying his hardest not to snap at his four year old. Opening the door, he finds Egan helping his sister tie her hair. At the sight, Harry’s irritation melts away. He smiles at his children and moves into the room to help them.

“Egan, honey, it’s so nice of you to help your sister, but we’re late. So hurry up down stairs and eat your breakfast.” He tells his son softly as he unties the failed attempt of a ponytail he tried to give Aurora.

“Now, now missy let’s get those braids you love on,” with that his daughter squeals and jumps on her bed so Harry doesn’t have to squat down with his bad back. Her hair is still damp from the shower he gave her earlier this morning, but finally fate was working in his favor because he miraculously avoided a mess of curls and a string of “ouch, papa hurts.” He finishes the fishtail and helps her choose an outfit for the day.

“Done papa,” she announces and makes grabby hands for her father, asking him to carry her. He complies and pulls his daughter up placing her on his hip. She buries her face in the crook of his neck, placing a small kiss which made his heart swell with fondness. He goes down the stairs and into the kitchen, to find that Egan is almost done with his bowl of cornflakes. He places his two year old on her highchair and heads to the fridge so he can prepare a turkey sandwich for Egan to eat at school.

Ten minutes later everything is ready and he’s pulling out of his house so he can drop Aurora at his mother’s, Egan at school, and then head straight to the café. It is a five minute car ride to his mother’s house, and fifteen minute drive to Louis’ mum’s house. They wanted to be as close to their families as possible because they’re both family oriented.

He arrives at his mother’s and pulls into the driveway. Harry called his mother the night before to tell her about the change of schedule. Ever since she was a year old, Louis and Harry had a set schedule for who would take care of Aurora and when, especially since Egan started primary school earlier this year. It’s three days with Jay and two with Anne. Since Jay is a stay at home mom now she gets to have her more, while Anne helps Gemma with the clothing store she opened three days a week.  

Getting out of the car, Egan unstraps his sister from her seatbelt to try and help his father. Harry gets to her side of the SUV, getting her out of her car seat. Egan hands his father Aurora’s bag and settles back down into his seat listening to the song that is playing thought the car system, it’s a CD that Harry and Louis made for their kids. When Egan was born they decided with the help of their friend Liam, who owned a recording studio, to record some of the original songs they wrote together at university like Home, Sweet Creature and Truly Madly Deeply alongside some cover of their favorite songs like Can’t Help Falling in Love, Helplessly Hoping and another classics. Right now Home is playing and it is Aurora’s favorite song.

Anne is already waiting for her granddaughter on the front step with open arms and a fond smile.

“How’s my favorite baby girl?” she coos as she takes her from her father’s arms.

Harry drops the bag in the doorway before facing his mom, who is now pressing kisses to Aurora’s forehead.

“Hello to you to mother,” he chuckles as she waves him off and continues to cuddle the toddler to her chest. “Well, she’s yet to have breakfast, since little miss grumpy didn’t want to wake up.” He continues, “Everything is in her bag and…” he stops mid-sentence when his phone starts to ring. He pulls it out of his pocket and inspects the number. It was Niall, one of Louis’ friends and a researcher on the expedition. It was quite strange since the last Harry had heard from Louis was three days ago when they skyped. He wasn’t bothered by the lack of skype sessions or phone calls because he knows Louis needs to finish his PhD. But the thing is, never once has Harry received a call from someone who wasn’t Louis since he went away five months ago.

**_Three days earlier_ **

_It was 8 pm Harry has finally managed to put the kids to sleep. It was hard for them to sleep without Louis’ crazy bedtime stories and his gentle goodnight kisses that were always placed on their foreheads followed by a small soft I love you._

_He headed to his room after he exited Egan’s to change into some comfy clothes so he settle in front of the TV and catch up on some game of thrones episodes, he was on season 6 having started the series when Louis left to entertain himself._

_Just when he pressed play his phone rang, mumbling some curse words he put his bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table before he stood up and went to the bar that was separating the kitchen form the living room (it was an open plan that they fell in love with at first glance). He found his phone face down on the bar, picking it up and seeing it was Louis he beamed and answered the phone call._

_“‘Ello, baby” Louis greeted him with the softest voice ever, a voice that Harry missed tremendously._

_“Hey, Lou how’s it going?” Harry asked as he settled back down in his original spot in the middle of the couch._

_They talk for over two hours exchanging stories about their days. Harry telling him how much the kids miss him even though they talked to him when they got back home at 5 pm. He told him how Egan was doing at school and how Aurora helped his mum bake some chocolate chip cookies for him, he told him how Egan made a new friend called Niv and how they played together in their break time. Harry told Louis so many other stories and antics their kids did during the last few days making Louis’ heart burst with fond and love. Louis told Harry about the information they manage to collect and how this expedition should be ending in two months and how he should be home soon. They talked about everything and nothing, Harry falls asleep to sound of Louis telling him how much he loves him and how they’ll be reunited soon._ Little did Harry know soon was never going to come.

 

He quickly slid the button to answer the phone call.

“Hey Niall, is everything okay? Where’s Louis” He asks urgently, he has a sinking suspicion that something is wrong.

“I don’t know how to phrase this correctly, but Louis’ missing”

 

 


	2. // 1//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again for choosing this mess of a story! here's the first chapter, it's not that long but it's something to start off this fic. thank you to my betas and every single person who support this so far!  
> here's my tumblr drop by to tell me your opinion! enjoy!

 

_It was a chilly night, the campus was nearly empty. Everyone headed back home to spend Christmas with their families and loved ones. Yet you have Harry spending his holidays studying due to overwhelming paper deadlines and finals, no going home this time._

_On the other side of campus, Louis Tomlinson was ecstatic that this family was coming down to London to spend Christmas with him. Luckily his roommate, Niall, had gone back to his hometown to celebrate with his family in Ireland, therefore Louis had room to host about five people in his 2-bedroom, shared flat._

_His mum and four sisters arrived the day before Christmas Eve, so Jay would have time to go grocery shopping for the Christmas dinner that she promised Louis._

_The morning of Christmas Eve was when Harry met the love of his life. He was in the library finishing up an essay for his management class with tons of books around him leaving a mess he was trying to ignore. He looked up from his laptop when he heard a child giggling, and some muffled noises followed by some shifting sounds. Curiosity killed the cat, after all, and Harry wanted a distraction from his responsibilities. It’s fucking Christmas, but it’s his fault he procrastinated everything till last minute, oh well._

_He got up from his chair and followed the sound of giggling that was now so loud it was echoing through the empty library._

_He found the source to be a guy with two toddlers between two rows in the children book section, a section usually used by those who study child development._

_The older guy was sitting with a set of twins no older than seven on three bean bags, which Harry was sure he dragged from the sitting area in the middle of the library. The older guy was reading a Babar story using different voices to mimic the characters from the movie version, a movie he remembered damn well from his childhood._

_Harry leaned against the row on the left applying too much pressure as he peeked between the books, trying to catch a glimpse of the guy. Maybe it was someone he knew and that would result in not spending Christmas alone at least, but he didn’t know anyone with kids that old, more like he didn’t know anyone with kids at all. Could be he is doing his PhD or master’s degree but it would be absurd for him to live on campus when he has a family at home. The guy could be divorced? He does look a bit young to have kids this old though. His train of thought was disturbed by the sound of a book hitting the floor on the other side of the shelf. And fuck what was he supposed to do? It was too late anyways because the guy was already up from his spot in the middle and marching to where Harry was standing. He debated whether he should just run and be deemed a creep or stay and tell the truth. However, what Harry didn’t expect was for the guy to be so fucking beautiful. Piercing, blue eyes were the first things he noticed, and they weren’t one single shade of dull blue. They were an explosion of several different shades. They were captivating and wouldn’t give you the chance to check out the rest of the guy’s face._

_“Well what have we got here?” Blue eyes asked. He pulled Harry from the mental essay he was writing on the guys’ eye color. Could you blame him though?_

_It was when blue eyes spoke (yeah Harry was calling him blue eyes until he knew the name of the Aphrodite kissed guy in front of him) that he diverted his eyes to the older guy’s whole face. He noticed the high cheekbones blue eyes was sporting so proudly as he tilted his head a bit upward and arched one of his rounded eyebrows silently demanding an answer._

_“Umm, basically I was working on an essay and heard some giggles and went to check them out and found you guys. I’m sorry for interrupting your reading session. I’ll leave you with your kids,” Harry answered the question quickly. He hoped the sooner he could get this over with the faster he would be able to finish his essay and go call his mum._

_Harry turned around once he finished, trying to escape, but the boy quickly caught his wrist to halt his movement._

_“Not so quick, love. I’m Louis, what’s your name?” Blue eyes pulled him back so he was standing, yet again, in front of the smaller, gorgeous boy. What hit Harry was the pet name that slipped so easily from between the guys’ thin pink lips, with his voice so velvety. Louis’ voice was something that Harry couldn’t explain till now._

_And it was from that moment that both Louis and Harry knew they were meant to be. Call it love at first sight, destiny, fate or some cheesy novel-esque bullshit, but it was the start of their long life together bound by love and faith in each other._

_“I… ummm… my name is H-Harry.” He stuttered a bit at the beginning, making Louis smile at the younger boy._

_“First, that’s a very beautiful names curls,” Louis began, and there it was again the nick naming that was giving Harry butterflies to his stomach. “Second, they aren’t my kids. Third, I didn’t know others were staying on campus?” Louis finished his small speech with a question, letting go of Harry’s wrist in the process. The spot was burning from the electrifying touch of Louis’ fingers. It was refreshing, something Harry hadn’t felt before, it was brand new and Harry was hooked._

 

 

 

White noise filled Harry’s mind.

Did he hear that right?

Louis’ missing?

As in he is nowhere to be found? His Louis, his precious Louis, is missing. He needs to know more.

He focuses his attention back on the conversation, trying to shut off all the thoughts running around free giving him the worst possibilities known to man.

“Ni… Nial-l I need you to explain.” His voice cracks at the beginning.

Niall sighs on the other end of the phone before he speaks up again, “He went on a trip three days ago, and he hasn’t returned yet. We sent a search party yesterday, but at noon a snow storm was due so we had to head back to camp.”

Every word hits Harry harder than the other. He never knew his world could come crumbling down in front of his eyes with a single phone call.

He is trying not to pass out as the blood flow to his head becomes fainter, and he tries to focus his eyes on something to prevent any black outs. He looks at his mother, asking her silently for comfort.

She puts Aurora down and asks her to go inside and wait in the living room.

“Papa, okay?” She asks innocently.

The simple phrase from his daughter makes him fall to his knees, clutching his phone to his chest.

His children, his and Louis’ babies. What will he tell them? How is he going to explain to two innocent toddlers that their father is nowhere to be found on a very far continent at the end of this bloody earth?

Anne manages to take the phone from Harry’s tight grip and speak with Niall hoping to understand what happened to her son. What kind of news did he receive that could make him so stoic, news that could ruin her son’s family.

She leaves Harry leaning against her opened front door, and moves past him to go get Egan from the car. She knows she has to be strong and get her son through this until they get any news about Louis’ whereabouts.

She gets Egan inside, telling him that he’ll be a bit late for school and she will talk with his supervisor. He silently slips past his father, eying him worriedly. He joins his sister on the floor and starts playing with the toys she pulled from the bag her father packed for her.

Harry slips from the trance he got into a few minutes ago. He stands up and heads to the kitchen while wiping his tear stained cheeks furiously, to find his mother sitting in front of the kitchen counter with her head trapped between her arms.

Harry needs his mom, he doesn’t know how to act. He is angry at Louis for being an irresponsible asshole and getting lost at the end of the earth when he has a family back home and a husband that would die for him. He is also overwhelmed with sadness, wild thoughts running through his head because what if he is never found? What will Harry do then? How will he deal with losing the love of his life? He stops his thoughts choosing to focus on getting comfort from his mom. He needs it.

“M-um…” He says. His voice cracks, and he gulps down a sob knowing it will alarm his children. “I can’t lose him, mum.” He admits in a rushed manner before he runs into his mother’s extended arms. Anne holds her broken son tightly to her as he sobs.

A string of “shhh” and “calm down, H” leave her mouth in an attempt to sooth him, so they can talk about how they’ll deal with this downfall. It takes Harry fifteen minutes to calm down, he pulls away from his mother’s grasp to wipe his tears away. He fixes his shirt and runs a hand through his fringe, hoping to make it a bit presentable.

“I’m going to take Egan to school and come back here. Please call the café and tell them I won’t be able to pop in today. Rose should be managing,” he collectively tells his mom who nods throughout his request.

He locks his feelings at the back of his mind to focus on getting Egan to school.

He heads back to the living room grabbing the school bag his mom placed next to sofa facing the TV.

He finds his two toddlers playing with some flashcards Louis got Aurora on her birthday last year. Egan was helping her memorize the animals and objects on the cards. It was a soothing activity Louis had spent doing the day after her birthday.

_Harry woke up to the sound of giggling coming from down the hall. He tapped the bedside table to locate his phone, which he picked up once he found it and hit the home button. He squinted his eyes at the level of brightness, it was 10 am. He sighed and got out of bed looking for his clothes, finding his joggers laying at the foot of their bed. He dressed himself quickly, opening their bedroom door and following the sound of giggles, it was coming from Aurora’s room. What he found made him stop dead in his tracks as a fond smile made its way on his still sleep-laced face. It was Louis lying on his back on their daughter’s bedroom floor with her sitting on his chest, and he was holding the card sets he got her for her birthday yesterday. They wanted to help her recognize simple objects, animals and other everyday activities before she entered pre-school the following year. The cards have images on them with the response written on the back, making it easier for him to know what was on the deck of each one._

_“Come on honey, what’s this one?” He urges her softly to tell him what the picture on the card was._

_She pinched her button lips with her small index and thumb, mimicking an action her father does every time he thinks. Harry couldn’t believe what he saw, it was the first time witnessing her doing such a thing, and apparently Louis was thinking the same because he widened his eyes at her small movement. Abandoning the deck of cards on the floor next to him, he placed his hands on her hips removing his two year old from her place on his chest before he sat up._

_“Daddy,” she whined. She clearly understood that Louis cut the game that she was enjoying short. “Why you stop?” that made her stop the pinching of her bottom lip._

_“H…” Louis started to shout for his husband._

_“I’m here, Lou.” He quickly interfered, trying to keep this quiet so they didn’t wake up Egan._

_“Did you see?” Louis asked._

_“Yes, I saw. I freaking saw.” Harry replied moving inside the bedroom, with his daughter looking at her parents wondering why they were acting this weird._

_“Daddy, papa,” she called out for them. They both turned to face her with Harry now sitting next to them on the floor._

_“Yes, baby?” Harry answered still in awe of his daughter, his own baby girl._

_“You weird, I love you.”_

He doesn’t know why his mind is torturing him this way. He is overwhelmed with flashbacks, one after the other. He wants it to end, he wants Louis to be back with their little family.

“Egan, honey. Come on it’s time to go to school, baby.” He announces softly. Pushing all the thoughts to the back of his head.

He drives Egan to school, apologizing to Egan’s head teacher for the tardiness by telling him he had a small family emergency. After that he drives back to his mom’s house, yet he doesn’t manage to get to his destination before he is full on crying, hitting the steering wheel of his car and clicking the car horn a few times startling some of the cars around him. His vision is blurry and he knows if he keeps driving he might hit someone by accident. He pulls over and turns the car off before he starts shaking with sobs.

He was finally understanding what was going on: Louis’ missing somewhere far away. His husband was probably not coming back, his other half was nowhere to be found during a sown storm and his team can’t look for him. How can he cope with the idea of Louis not being by his side with every step he takes?

Sadness turns to anger. He wipes his tears away, turning the ignition of his car with shaky hands before he heads back to his mother’s house.

**

“How could he mum?” Harry is yelling, thrashing around the kitchen. He is angry, angry at himself, angry at Louis. He is furious.

“Harry, please calm down!” his mother whisper-yells at him. “Aurora can hear you.”

He doesn’t respond to his mother’s request and continues to pace around the kitchen hitting whatever is in his way, both of his hands running through his hair, pulling at the roots.

“He knew it was dangerous, he told me before he went! He asked me to take care of the kids if anything happened to him. I laughed at him and told him he was being ridiculous and that nothing will happy to him. It was only a seven month trip. Fuck, I was stupid.” Harry spits bitterly. He doesn’t know why he is angry, he should be sad that his husband is missing and nowhere to be found, yet here he is in his mother’s kitchen, yelling about how frustrated and infuriated he is with the disappearance.  

 “Harry, I understand where you’re coming from.” Anne starts to speak, hoping her son would at least let her calm him down, but alas he cuts her off again for the third time since he came back.

“No, mum! You don’t. You don’t!” It is then when it hits him hard, it is that moment when it all dawns on him. No one understands and no one will, and personally he can’t explain it to anyone because even he doesn’t understand it. He keeps repeating the simple phrase “you don’t,” that now contains a more complex meaning, it became a cry of help, of desperation, a cry for Louis to be found so he can be with his family. A cry for Niall and the rest of the team to keep searching even though it’s been three days, three complete days, 72 hours of Louis alone on a deserted continent.

Harry’s thoughts go wild with possibilities of how Louis could die, and it isn’t pretty. He cries and cries and cries, with his mother sitting next to him on the floor of the kitchen while she holds him tight and cries with him.

“Papa? What wrong?” Aurora makes both of their heads snap up.

The simple question makes him cry harder as he looks at his petite baby girl, only two years old, so innocent and sweet. She is only a child that sees the world in colors, everything is beautiful to her and life is rainbows and butterflies.

Tongue tied, he only pulls her into his arms cuddling her closer to his chest and he cries silently as Aurora whispers, “It’s okay papa,” in the crook of his neck with Anne wrapped around them.

 

 

 

 


	3. //2//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! seriously I am

Telling Jay.

What is he going to tell her? How is he going to say that phrase to her: “Louis’ missing.”

 _“Louis’ missing,”_ it became pure agony.

Anne took care of calling Jay to invite her over because he couldn’t do it. He can’t call her acting like everything is okay and ask her to come over as if they were having a family get together.

So here they are now sitting in his mum’s living room waiting her to arrive. He is lying on the couch with Aurora sleeping on his chest, the news muted on the TV. They are reporting another bombing somewhere in the Middle East. It makes his eyes well up with tears again, seeing all of those people lose their loved one just like he did. He lost Louis, even though he can still be found, his mind is predicting the worst. It’s basic human instinct, to always predict the worse possible outcome of a situation, it helps in coping. If the situation turns out to have a bright side with a happy ending it’s pure ecstasy. That’s exactly what Harry’s brain is doing at this point, predicting the worst case scenario, which happens to be Louis not coming back, ever.

He doesn’t want to say ‘dead’ and ‘Louis’ in the same sentence. He can’t fathom how he at 25 is actually thinking about it, how it’s an actual possibility.

The doorbell rings making his daughter shift on his chest tucking her head further into her father’s chest. He looks up and sees that it’s already 11 am on the TV clock. Sighing, he moves carefully from his position trying to not wake up his daughter. A bit of chatter is heard in the foyer of the house signaling that his mother opened the door. Moving attentively he stands up with aurora cradled in his arms, wanting to place her in the small guest room down the hall so she doesn’t have to climb down the stairs when she wakes up.

Jay enters the room meeting him half way through, he can’t look at her.

He keeps his eyes fixated on his sleeping daughter as her second grandma coos softly at the sleeping toddler. The tension in the room is felt instantly, especially with Harry not even looking up from his daughter to greet his mother-in-law, actually she is more than that. She is another mother to him, he loves her as much as his own mum. He can’t look her in the eye because he feels like he has disappointed her. He remembers very well that night when they first met on Christmas Eve what she had told him.

*******************************

**_Christmas 2010_ **

_Harry couldn’t believe what have happened. He managed to get invited to a family Christmas dinner, but he told Louis he didn’t want to impose on their family this lovely holiday. Louis couldn’t let the beautiful boy in front of him spend Christmas alone, so he took it upon himself to call his mum in front of Harry and ask her if he could join them for dinner, which she joyfully agreed to his plus one._

_It was strange the pull harry felt that night, that certain gravitation towards Louis. A feeling he didn’t know then that it will be something he was going to feel all his life, he didn’t realize that that specific feeling would be the source of his happiness for years to come._

_Harry was sat on his bedroom floor in front of his opened closet trying to pick the most presentable outfit he owned. Most of his jeans had holes on its knee area, and they were washed out with the black color fading. So what he was left with was dress pants he bought for his sister’s graduation, maybe it was too formal, but he was meeting a family he never knew (no, he wasn’t dressing up to impress Louis)._

_He grabbed the pants from the hanger placing them on the bed so he could iron them later. It was ten to 7 and he had till 8:30 to get to Louis’ house, having showered and baked the brownies he wanted to take with him once he got home from the library all that was left was picking his shirt. He had no other option but choose the white dress shirt that was hanging solely between all his band and concert tees he had collected over the years. Placing it next to the pants on the bed he fetched the iron from Liam’s room._

_He was ready by 8, and with Louis’ flat being a ten minute walk from his he took his time decorating the brownies he had done after his shower. It took him five minutes and he was out of his flat door with a tupperware full of iced brownies heading straight towards Louis’ house._

_He reached the apartment building at 8:20. He was nervous, his hands a bit sweaty around the container, he didn’t know what to expect. Praying to whoever is up there to make this night as enjoyable as possible, he went inside in a straight line to the lifts, pressing on the 4 th floor as soon as he was inside. Louis’ flat was 4A, he memorized that from the text Louis had sent him once they had exchanged numbers before Louis left the library with his twin siblings._

_He exited the lift finding 4 doors, locating Louis’ flat. It was the first on the left, wiping his hands on the back of his pants one by one, his nerves kicking in once again various scenarios of bad things that could happen to him running wild through his very imaginative mind._

_He shook his head hoping the combination of nerves and bad thoughts would evacuate the shelter they took inside his head. He knocked on the door with soft gentle tap of his clenched knuckles, it only took two minutes for someone to open the door and it revealed a beautiful little girl with blonde hair, she was short coming to up to Harry’s stomach  (he was too tall not the girl’s fault). He noticed the same blue eyes that Louis had, not exactly the same but pretty close.  She looked about 11/12 years old and she looked like the twins that were with Louis this morning._

_“Hello, I’m Harry.” Harry said his voice an octave higher than it usually was. He extended his hand for her to shake, she ignored it and went back inside. He pulled his sweaty hand back to his side thought jammed up in his head, what was he thinking she was only 12 why would she shake the hand of a stranger? A course of StupidStupidStupid was running through his head, this night could mark the birth of a friendship with someone new and he should start thinking before saying or initiating any sort of movement. Pulled out of his thoughts by Louis’ beautiful voice, it was a bit less deep than this morning due to his joyful tone._

_“Harry!”_

_The call made him look up from the ground where he was inspecting his black shoes and their contrast with the grey welcome matt._

_“Hello,” he replied shyly with his voice still a bit pitchy. He cleared his throat, hoping it would return to its normal state. His voice was going through a late phase of puberty, it was getting deeper, but at some times the pitch he had when he was 16 would make an appearance, especially in situations like this._

_“Why are you still standing at the door? C’mon move along!” Louis chippered urging the younger boy in. Harry followed the guy inside his flat, and the first thing he noticed was the smell of delicious Christmas dinner._

_The flat was bigger than his with an open plan to the kitchen and living room, a hallway through the left side of the living room that would probably lead to the bedrooms and toilet. It was nice, Harry liked it._

_It was full of kids though, he saw the twins from the morning sitting on the sofa watching what appeared to be pepa pig. A new girl with brown straight hair was with them as well, she looked around 10._

_“Ah, our guest has arrived” A grown woman comes out from the kitchen area from the right side of the flat. She was breathtaking, explaining Louis’ beauty. He got it all from her, those beautiful blue eyes, and the high cheekbones. The same brown hair straight and shiny, cascading down her face past her shoulders._

_He approached her, with Louis leading the way, to the bar that was separating the living room from the kitchen._

_“Mum, this is Harry.” Louis introduced him to his mum with a smile on his face. A smile that warmed his heart every time he got a glimpse of it. He composd himself quickly chanting ‘you’ve met parents before Harry don’t fuck this up’ inside his head._

_“Hello, it’s nice to meet you.” he said politely extending his hand for her to shake, hoping maybe this time someone would actually return the gesture. To his surprise she took his hand pulling him into a hug, the container full of brownies smashed between them. The action warmed his heart, it was a motherly hug easing his nervousness and he took it in embracing the feeling._

_She released him soon after and introduced herself as Jay._

_“Here’s something I did this afternoon,” He said, pushing the brownies towards Jay, with a smile on his face. He was happy he actually got to join their Christmas Eve dinner._

_“Oh, Harry! You didn’t have to darling.” She said, gushing over what the boy just handed her._

_“It’s nothing! I couldn’t just impose on your Christmas dinner and come empty handed! My mother would be disappointed!”_

_A round introduction took place and Harry learnt that they were all Louis’ half-siblings and their last name was Tomlinson. The oldest between the girls was Charlotte but they all call her Lottie and she was 12 with 8 years between her and Louis, it was two years after his mother got married to his step-dad Mark that gave him his last name and treated him like his own son. Two years after the next girl popped, her name was fizzy and was the replica of her mother and Louis especially with the brown hair and face structure. The 4 years after the twins came along, Daisy and Phoebe. They were completely identical Harry had a hard time identifying them. Turns out Daisy has a birthmark on the left side of her neck, making Harry’s job easier._

_Soon after Jay called them for dinner and they all sat on the kitchen table squeezing an extra chair for Harry next to Louis’._

_The dinner was chaotic, stories everywhere being fired towards Jay. She listened to every single one of them attentively, like the amazing mother she is. It also gave Harry and Louis time to actually have a conversation._

_“You’re dressed up quite nicely, Curls.” Louis began the conversation by teasing him._

_“Well it was either skinny jeans and a t-shirt or this.” Harry said. He shrugged with a grin on his face._

_It escalated from there, Louis teasing him about his changing voice and Harry teasing Louis about his height. Back and forth in their own little bubble sparing any attention to the world around them, captivated by the flirtatious banter._

_“So like your last name is actually Styles?” Louis asked rhetorically before he continued, “how come your style is so bad?” he snickered to himself once he finished the second half of the sentence_ _._

_“That was bad Louis” Harry laughed shaking his head._

_They had finished their dinner, and were just sitting at the table enjoying conversation. Jay got up from her seat signaling that dinner was indeed over as she started to carry the empty plates to the sink. The girls went to wash their hands as Harry stood up so he could help Jay._

_“Harry you’re a guest put that down.”_

_“No, I’ll be helping with the dishes.” Harry affirmatively announced ending the discourse. She just smiled at him in return, allowing him to help her clear the table. Harry told Louis to go sit down with his siblings and he’ll take care of everything._

_“Are you trying to get me mum, Harry? I reckon she’s a tad too old for you.” Louis joked making Harry blush._

_“Nah, I’m too gay for that.” Harry didn’t realize what he said until the phrase echoed in his ears. He was never this forward, no he wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality, on the contrary he was proud. But this would seem forward and Louis could have any label known to man._

_“That’s good to know, Styles.” Louis winked at him before he went to the living room to join his siblings._

_Well that’s probably a good thing, the wink. Especially with the flirting over dinner._

_He moved along with a hint of blush covering his cheeks collecting plates and placing them next to the sink where Jay was doing the dishes. After he finished, he started drying the dishes she was done washing._

_“You know Louis might seem all tough on the outside, but he is a softie.” she began surprising Harry but he didn’t reply because he knew she wasn’t finished. So he placed the bowl he dried on the towel that was spread on the table and waited for the rest._

_“I know you all just met today, but I have eyes and ears and I know this will develop into something. So I’m begging of you, Harry, take care of my boy.”_

_It was a weird request, but the way Jay looked at him he knew he had to fulfil it._

_“I will.” two simple words with so much responsibility._

*******************************

He failed. He failed Jay and he failed Louis. He promised something and he couldn’t keep that promise.

He doesn’t know why his brain keeps reminding him of all these moments, maybe it’s a way of coping with the loss he is going through. He moves along and pushes past Jay, trying not to wake Aurora.

After placing his daughter in the guest room that was on the same floor he goes back to the living room. He tries to collect his thoughts so he can form a coherent sentence, but he just can’t. Overwhelmed with clashing emotions, from grief to anger with a handful of sadness mixed with hundred other feelings. All of them fighting to dominate, but it’s no use because each one is as strong as the other.

Going back to the living room, he finds his mum sitting with Jay on the same sofa, so he goes and takes a seat on the one opposite them.

“Harry, what’s wrong, love?” Jay askes noticing his state, he looks so out of place.

He still can’t believe Louis put him in such a situation. He’s furious at himself for being furious at Louis for placing him in a situation where he has to tell his mother that he’s missing.

Jay shifts a bit forward looking at Harry intensely, waiting for Harry to spit out whatever he is holding back.

“I can’t believe he is making me say this!” Harry mumbles in a low voice. Maybe Louis will hear those words and realize that Harry needs him home. Stupid, that’s what Harry feels after he says it. He sighs, running his hand through his hair tugging at the roots.

“Honey, I know this is hard but you have to do it.” Anne says, trying to urge him to say it knowing it will help him if he says it out Loud.

He nods before he speaks faintly “Lou’s…. Lou’s missing.” as soon he says those haunting words tears that were welling up in his eyes start to fall down his face, retracing the trajectory of the previous ones that escaped his eyes. He is still in disbelief. He still hasn’t wrapped his head around the idea. It’s only been a few hours since he has known, and yet no sign of him accepting the reality of this event.

“No-” Jays says in a low voice, going through the same refusal state Harry went through. “No, my baby isn’t missing. He spoke to me three days ago and he was fine.” She says shaking her head, tears streaming down her face at this point. She isn’t holding back, she isn’t refraining like Harry did. She is hitting her thighs with her hands as she cries saying Louis’s voice again and again.

Watching his mother try to hold Jay back, trying to calm her down. He’s watching her reaction, as he pulls his socks clad feet on the sofa and recoils on himself hugging his knees to his chest crying softly. He can’t witness this, he can’t witness his loved once suffer while he sits helpless in the corner.

Jay collects herself after 10 minutes of crying, for his sake, trying to calm her never stopping tears. She does and sits down next to him taking him in her arms with a slow murmur of _“Louis’ strong. he’ll be okay”_ delicately repeated.

Anne leaves them alone and goes to prepare lunch since Egan was due from school soon, giving them space to discuss this downfall.

“Harry, Louis is a strong boy. He’ll make it back home to you.” Jay tries to sound convincing, key word _tries_. They both known he isn’t lost somewhere nearby where they can look for him, they can’t just send a search party for him. He was on the other side of the glob surrounded by ice, dry land, and a big wide ocean. It’s something they should start to accept.

“Who are you trying to convince, Jay? Because as far as I know three days with no contact is too much when you’re in the South Pole.” He bites back harshly. He didn’t mean it and Jay knows, so she lets him be, understanding his reasons.

“Harry love, I know how angry you are. You need to stay focused on the kids.” Trying to help him is the only thing Jay can do. She offers advice that may or may not help, but still offers a bit of comfort till the next wave of realization hits.

“How about you go lie down next to Aurora, and I’ll pick up Egan from school.”

Sleep. He definitely needs that, he feels like he has been sleep deprived for months. He nods, getting up from his position and moves toward the guest room.

He finds his daughter sleeping on her back, face partly covered by her long curls. Her beautiful green eyes that are similar to his, hidden. She is holding her favorite toy, a Babar elephant Louis got her when she was 6 months old.

He steps further into the room sighing as he looks at his innocent baby girl. How is he going to deal with this?

 He has two options: wait until the expedition ends and see if Louis is found so he can forget about this whole thing and move on with his life with Louis by his side, a very far-fetched option but still possible, or he could tell them. He could sit both of his toddlers down, who won’t understand a word he says, and tell them that their father is missing ad probably won’t be back.

He won’t be here to see Aurora on her first day at school next year. He won’t be there to see Egan grow up into the football legacy he wanted him to be. He won’t be here for their first dates, or if  they go through a sexuality crisis.

It goes like this, his brain hitting him with every scenario possible that Louis will miss if he doesn’t come back to them. He cries silently as he cuddles his daughter close to his chest making her cling to her papa’s comfy, safe embrace.

He looks down at her and remembers how they picked her name when they knew they were going to have a baby girl, and he remembers the day she was born, the memory so vivid in his brain when Louis got to hold her. He pulls her closer to him, placing a small peck to the top of her head and drifts to sleep slowly hoping in his dreams he will see Louis’ face again so he can tell him how much he loves him and how he needs him back home next to him.

*******************************

**_Mid-summer 2012_ **

_It was a much needed trip. Something Harry has been asking Louis to do since they met back in 2010. Harry had always told Louis he wanted to see the Northern Lights, a magnificent occurrence that fascinated him since he was a child. So here they were on their way to Norway to witness it, finally, after Harry graduated and Louis finished his master’s thesis. They finally got the time to go on their get-away vacation that was long overdue._

_So Norway it was, and the Northern Lights were the destination._ _With camping equipment provided by the camp they joined to witness the Aurora they were all set for this small vacation._

_It was the third day of the camp, and they were finally going to witness it at its full force, not faintly like the two other nights._

_They were lying on their blanket that was laid on the grass creating a soft bed for them, with harry cuddled up next to Louis tucked into his side._

_“You know Aurora would be a beautiful name for a baby girl.” Harry broke the silence as they waited for the Northern Lights to make an appearance._

_Louis sat up a bit and leaned on his elbow so he could look at Harry because the statement was out of the blue. They never talked about kids. Marriage? Yes, plenty of times. They actually wanted to get married here, but they knew their moms would have their heads if they did so. Kids though? It was never brought up._

_“What?” Harry asked sitting up as well, anxiety creeping in. Did he hit a nerve for Louis? As far as he knew, Louis was a family man. The way he treated his siblings was proof enough. He was great with kids as well, so what went wrong? Why was he looking at Harry with an unreadable expression?_

_“That’s a beautiful name, Harry.” Louis finally said as a smile started to make its way onto his face, a smile that made the sun pale in radiance to his beauty. With that, Harry relaxed and leaned up placing a small peck on Louis’ lips before focusing on the lights that were starting to gather around the dark night sky with a mixture of pigmented colors that took his breath away._

_Louis regained his place on the blanket once again wrapping his arm around Harry, pulling the younger boy into him. It was the best feeling, being wrapped up under the Northern Lights with the love of his life._

_“Someday, Harry, our daughter will be as beautiful as the Aurora.”_

**_May 2014_ **

_It was a normal day and Harry was cleaning the house while Louis was lying outside with Egan. Their nearly two year old loved to run around the backyard with his daddy._

_It was when Harry was cleaning around the picture frames that were placed over the fireplace that he saw the picture that reminded him of their trip to Norway. It was of them standing with their hands around each other with the northern lights in the background of the picture illuminating the dark skies. Harry remembers vividly the conversation that went down that night._

_He was pulled out of his thoughts with a pair of familiar hands wrapping around his waist. The familiar feeling of warmth still creeps on him and settles in after all those years._

_“What are you looking at?” Louis asked peeking around and catching a glimpse of the picture Harry was observing minutes ago._

_Harry placed the picture back in its rightful place between their graduation picture and their wedding one before turning in Louis’s arms so he was facing him._

_He placed his forehead against Louis’ looking into his beautiful blue eyes that never ceasde to amazing him and fill him with love and affection._

_“Do you think we’re ready to have our Aurora?” It was out of the blue, but Harry had this thought swimming around since the beginning of the year. He wanted his baby girl, his own aurora._

_“Yeah, but this time she’ll be yours.”_

_-*-_

_And so she was, they used Harry’s sperm and found a surrogate that looked like Louis with brown hair, blue eyes, and a petite figure. Her name was Nathalie. She was 25 and she had a set of mixed twins that were two and a girl that was four. Her and her husband decided to help a couple to have a child, so Harry and Louis were the obvious pick especially with already having a baby boy._

_They got the pregnancy news on the 29 th of June. It was 8 pm when Harry’s phone rang, they were watching an old rerun of friends, a show that became their thing. If you ever lose Harry and Louis you would find them cuddled up on their couch watching friends for the hundredth time laughing at the same old jokes._

_She told them then, that she was pregnant. Tears of happiness were shed, as they hugged each other. They were going to have another baby!_

_-*-_

_On 8 th of February 2015, 8:18 am, Aurora Jay Tomlinson was born. _

_Their Aurora finally made it into this world. Thy kept the gender a secret, but when the doctor told them it was a she, Harry cried._

_Harry cried because his new bundle of joy was a girl, and she would be an explosion of pigmented colors just like the Northern Lights she was named after. She will be loved just like that night in 2012 where they decided her name. She will be a once in a lifetime girl, a world wonder._

_When Harry and Louis entered the room, they found their daughter sleeping in her bed, so soft and fragile. Rosy cheeks and brown hair partly hiding with a small rose beanie._

_“She is so beautiful, Louis.” Harry said and reached for Louis’ hand giving it an excited squeeze. The world couldn’t contain his happiness._

_“She is the most beautiful girl in the world, baby.” Louis responded, admiring his sleeping daughter. He himself couldn’t believe he was blessed with a beautiful, healthy daughter._

_Harry looks up to Nathalie, who was watching them closely with her husband, John, by her side._

_“Nat, thank you.” Harry was crying. Tears of joy of course. “You gave us a blessing!” He continued as he moved towards her bed and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead._

_“You gave us our second child, Nat. We can never thank you enough.” Louis said, now stood next to Harry._

_“You boys deserve this more than anyone.” she smiled back at them._

_The sound of a baby crying pulled them away from each other, Harry quickly stumbled to get his baby girl from her small hospital provided crib. He gradually removed Aurora from her spot, supporting her head with his hand. Louis was next to him in seconds cooing at his daughter._

_“Shhh baby, papa is here.” Harry whispered softly dropping a small kiss to her tiny forehead. It was then she opened her eyes._

_Bright green eyes, the same green Harry and Louis witnessed in Norway. Harry looked at Louis who gave him a confident nod with the fondest smile Harry had ever witnessed._

_“Welcome to the world Aurora Jay Tomlinson.” Louis uttered the words lightly over his newborn daughter. Harry passed him the baby girl and watched, he will never get used to the feeling. The first rush of emotions that took over him when Louis held their bundle of joy, their own flesh. It was a beautiful sight Harry could never shake off. It was always so beautifully inscribed in his mind._  
He had seen Louis when Doris and Ernest were born, so gentle, looking at his siblings with a stare full of love. But this wass different.  
Just like when Egan was born, his face showed nothing but pride. He was proud that this girl was his. Ever so gentle, looking down at her ready to give her the world with exactly the same expression he had when he first held Egan. It warmed Harry’s heart, and brought happy tears to his eyes.  
His life was complete, nothing could bring him down from the high he was on, or so he thought

*******************************

It only gets harder, that’s the only thing Harry’s sure of since the day he got the news.

Niall calls him every night with the same disappointing sentence, _‘I’m so sorry, Harry, but still no trace of him.’_ A sentence he had heard every night for the past week. 7 times, 7 times this sentence was said to him, and each time it ends with him crying himself to sleep clutching Louis’ pillow to his chest as he sobs his name.

That’s what it has come down to, his mind always going _LouisLouisLouis_. Last night he burned himself while preparing dinner for Egan and Aurora, the day before he sent Egan to School with his shoes mixed up, and the day before that he gave the wrong order to the customer at the café. It would seem simple to fix those things, they are just simple fuck ups in everyone’s everyday life, not for Harry though. Because Harry never fucked up a dinner for his kids, Harry never screwed up his kids’ clothes, and Harry never gave the wrong order. Distraction is killing him, his mind isn’t with him, and his heart isn’t with him. Always thinking of Louis not being found. Always debating what he will go through if Louis isn’t to be found (not that he has hope that he will be it was a dead end).

The worst thing about this all are the little white lies he has to tell his kids about Louis’ wellbeing.

_“Papa, is daddy going to call tonight?”_

_“Papa, daddy video tonight?”_

_“Papa, when will we see daddy again?”_

_“Papa, daddy come back when?”_

Every single answer to every single question was a lie.

_“I’m sorry Egan, but I think daddy is busy tonight.”_

_“Aurora, you daddy is out tonight he can’t.”_

Their faces did enough, the way they crumbled from the negation kills him. Every single time he says a deflected no, he feels thousands of burning knives go through his body. He doesn’t know what to do, and he can’t tell them anything before he hears it from Niall.

Liam has been helping him.

Liam Payne was the first friend he made in university. They shared a flat together back in the day and since then they have been the closest friends. He studied music management, and now he owns a music studio. He was there for Harry through loads of fights, heartaches, and happy moments.

Liam knows what’s going on, so he drops by every chance he gets to check on Harry. He helps him with the kids, which is a simple gesture that warms Harry’s heart.

Today though, Liam isn’t available. Harry was sitting alone in the house while Lottie and her boyfriend took the kids to the park nearby, so he is left alone with his thoughts. His mind wandering dangerously to dark places he never thought he'd arrive to.

His life became a routine. He wakes up at 7 every morning, wakes the kids up as well.

He prepares breakfast, cornflakes for Egan while Aurora has a boiled egg. By 7:30 he is out of the house dropping Egan at school and then according to the schedule he would drop Aurora either at Jay’s or at his mum’s. He would also pass by the café for five minutes maximum 15 to check on everything and then go back to the house. He goes there to sleep hoping he would wake up to his past life, where Louis was there next to him and he was happy. A life where he doesn’t have to lie to his children about their father’s whereabouts. A life where he can kiss Louis whenever he wants, a one where he is happily in the arms of his soulmate. A life where he is complete and not missing his other half. It seems so far away now, he is trying to grasp it so he can have it back but every time he falls further down this black hole that’s become his life.

On weekends he stays home, sleeping in while Lottie or Liam drop by. Sometimes even Jay brings the whole family and cooks lunch for them. Anne, Gemma and Robin join them more often than not.

He should be happy that his family is all together at his and Louis’ house, but he always sits there with blank eyes looking around the table searching for Louis.

Louis, the one who should be on the grill, not Liam and his wife Sofia. Louis the one who should be teasing his kids and dropping them in the pool while it’s still freezing outside. Louis should be here opening the doors of the glass room where they usually cuddle in the bean bags in the middle of December as they watch the snowfall above them.

Louis should be doing this, and Louis should be doing that, but Louis isn’t here and isn’t doing this or that.

He never got up from bed when he heard Lottie and Tommy walk in this morning, so he doesn’t get up when he hears them come in a few hours later with his kids laughing.

He is happy his kids are oblivious to what is happening, they don’t have a clue about how their daddy isn’t coming home. Oblivion is bliss sometimes, and Harry can’t handle the pain his kids will go through once they know the whole truth. Yet he can’t find it in himself to tell them, not that they’ll understand.

He gets up from his bed finally, still in yesterday’s clothes. A pair of black jeans and one of Louis’ Adidas sweaters. It smells like Louis, like exotic fruits from their body wash and of Tom Ford. The sweater smelled like Louis and Louis smells like _home_.

Now though the sweater reeks of sweat, and smells like him more than Louis, yet he can’t find the power to take it off. He doesn’t quite care as well, he just wants to feel closer to Louis, and if an article of clothing will do the job he is fucking satisfied.

He heads downstairs, going straight towards the kitchen knowing he has to prepare lunch for his babies. He feels awful he hasn’t spent much time with his kids, but he doesn’t want them to see him this way. All beaten down and full of sadness. He needs to be strong for them, but the selfish side of him is trying to make him grieve properly over his disappeared husband.

He halts next to the entrance when he hears his daughter’s voice echoing through the silent moment that was spreading through the kitchen.

“I miss papa.” Aurora’s voice was laced with sadness, giving the impression as if she lost her father and will never see him again. That cut through Harry at the speed of light. Fast, painful, making him choke on the air he was shallowly breathing in the first place.

And it doesn’t stop there, Egan speaks up after elaborating like the smart, perky four-year old he is.

“Since daddy stopped calling, papa has been so sad.” His tone was even sadder than his sister’s.

It hits Harry even harder this time, his heart clenching. He chokes on a sob this time, tears escaping his eyes like the many times they had since the news broke. .

He had abandoned his kids, left them alone for his family to take care of. He is a bad father and he doesn’t deserve them, how could he? How could he be this selfish?

He was angry at Louis for leaving his kids without their daddy, while he was doing the same thing to them.

It’s a reality check. Throughout the past week never once did he tuck his kids into bed, or read them the bedtime story they are used to. He didn’t even tell them he loved them.

He slides down to the ground and cries harder. This time it is loud, as he sobs into his hands drowning out Lottie’s response.

He hears the small footsteps though, and how they halt just in front of him. He doesn’t look up, but he feels a small hand stroking through his hair before his daughter’s voice, so faint and delicate as if her father will break if she speaks louder.

“Why cry, papa?” Her voice is wobbly as well, shaking through the words she just uttered.

Harry still can’t look up, he is embarrassed, ashamed of the way he has acted. He can’t face his children. He knows he has to though, waiting a few minutes as his daughter runs her hand through his hair just like he does when she is sick or sad. A gesture that makes his heart ache even more.

A few silent, pregnant moments pass before he looks up, with a tear-stained face and unfocused vision. Once his eyes are dry he finds Aurora stood in front of him with her hand out of his 3 weeks long hair and next to her side. Egan standing a few feet behind her with his own tears leaking from his small blue eyes that are the same exact color as his father. The way Egan is looking at him shatters him because his boy figured it out. He figured that something was seriously wrong.

The thing is Harry and Louis never showed their kids the aftermath of a fight. They could have had a screaming match at night about an irrelevant thing and they’d wake up the next day and act normally in front of their kids until they have a civilized conversation about what happened the previous night.

Now though, it’s a different story because Harry never showed his kids his weakest moments. He was always their strong papa that protects them from everything that comes their way. So seeing him like this, with his head bent in defeat, is shocking to a four-year old and quite hard to be understood by a two-year old.

Harry shifts his position, now kneeling on the floor. He tugs Aurora into him embracing his daughter hard leaving several small rushed kisses on the top of her head, wetting her hair a bit with the remaining tears on his cheeks. He then opens his arms for his eldest one inviting him into the family hug he is trying to initiate. A family hug missing a very important member.

Egan steps in immediately into the open arm of his papa wrapping an arm around his father’s neck while the other was wrapped around his little sister who was snuggled into her father’s right side.

“I’m so sorry babies, please forgive papa.” Harry exhales trying to ignore what seems to be his ever present tears these days. “Papa was sad, but I’m okay now. No more sad days!” he lies through his teeth. How could there not be any more sad days when Louis is all the way down on another continent too busy being missing.

Harry needs to clear his head, he doesn’t know how to feel. Always overwhelmed with emotions clashing together. Anger mixed with sadness, grief, a broken heart, emptiness and hundreds of other emotions is a very dangerous mix.

His only focus is his kids now, until he hears any feedback from Niall and the rest of the team.

His son’s pitchy voice brought him back to reality, “It’s okay, Papa.”

“Yes, Papa. It okay. Love you to moon.” Aurora quickly followed her brother’s statement speaking on behalf of her brother as well.  

Harry pulls back a bit so he can look at his kids properly before he speaks, “I love you too babies. Now let’s go finish lunch, Auntie Lottie worked hard on it.” He dismisses them quickly after.

Getting up from his position on the ground, with his knees a bit burnt from the friction of his knees with the fabric of his jeans, he is stopped by his daughter turning around looking at him through her famous mischievous smile that resembles her daddy’s before she spoke through a giggle.

“Papa, you smelly.” Running away from him afterwards knowing him and how he will chase her and tickle her till she cries.

“You little menace!” Harry laughs shaking his head following her into the kitchen.

He finds Egan already in his chair eating his sandwich, while Aurora is hiding behind her uncle Tommy’s leg trying to escape her father’s tickling plans.

He says a quick hi to both of them laced with a sad smile, he realizes he isn’t dealing with the loss alone. Other family members are missing Louis as well, and he doesn’t have to do this alone.

“The tickle monster is coming for you.” The phrase released a high pitched squeal from Aurora as she tries to escape the kitchen but with her small chubby legs and Harry’s long strides he catches her swiftly, tickling her all across her tummy. A series of squeals escapes her with giggles and loud laughs, as Harry laughs along with her.

“Pa…pa… please… S-t-top!”

“If I get a kiss I’ll stop.” Harry asks her continuing with his torturous tickles.

“b…ut.. you.. S..smelly!”

“Then I won’t stop till I get my kiss.”

“O…ok…okay.” She finally accepts her father’s request.

Puckering her small full lips, that were so similar to Harry’s, grabbing her father’s face and plating a kiss on his lips.  Everyone is laughing with them, watching their interaction

“Thank you darling! Now go finish you lunch.”

He leaves shortly after announcing his plans to shower and getting rid of his stinky smell.

****

It is after his shower that he starts to feel like himself again. Not fully though because Louis isn’t next to him to complete the final piece of his life.

He dresses himself in another sweater that belongs to Louis before he heads done the stairs to have a chat with Lottie and Tommy. He finds them cuddled upon the love seat watching season 2 of NARCOS. It’s something he was meant to watch with Louis since they watched season 1 a month before Louis went away.

Taking place on the couch that was directly facing the TV, he sighs as he sees Escobar trying to fix a problem through phone calls. He wishes he could do that, with one phone call he could bring Louis back to where he belongs, right next to him on this couch.

He is the one that initiates the conversation, with too much bottled up inside of him he can’t stay silent anymore and he knows it will hurt him if he does so.

“Thank you, guys.” He starts slowly gratefulness laced in his tone. “I don’t know how I acted so selfishly and just left my kids for you to take care of.” He shakes his head at his previous action with a sad scowl plastered across his face.

“Harry, it wasn’t selfish.” Tommy replies. His statement wasn’t pitiful, on the contrary it was sincere.

“Tommy is right, H.” Lottie adds. “What you did was a very natural reaction. Your reaction was different from ours because Louis is literally your soulmate, and being told your better half is missing on a continent on the other side of the globe isn’t easy.” She smiles sadly at him hoping it will ease the evident tension that crawled over Harry’s body at the mention of his reality.

“It’s just…” he sighs into his sweater paws, exhaling after filling his nose with Louis’ smell.

What would Louis want him to do? Louis always told him he is the strongest person he knows, which is a straight up lie now because he is weak.

Weak, a word he ever wanted to be describe as. A word Louis wouldn’t want his husband to be described as. So from now on he won’t accept what he has become over the last 2 weeks.

Lottie and Tommy give him the space to process his feelings, waiting on him to speak up about his emotions. It is something that’s bound to happen, and they were grateful it didn’t take him that long to start accepting the reality of the events.

“It’s just… I miss him. He is everything, and missing my everything is hard. But at the same time we have two beautiful kids that I need to support. Yet, I keep thinking about what I have to tell them if Louis is never found?” He admits pausing every few seconds trying to phrase his emotions eloquently.

It’s anything but easy, having to wear his heart on his sleeve without having Louis to mend it if it ever gets broken.

“I’m lost. I don’t know what to do because this isn’t something I should be going through.” He continues

“Harry-” Lottie begins getting up from her place next to Tommy and sitting down next to Harry wrapping him in a hug. “You’re not going through this alone. Please don’t isolate yourself, we’re all here for you.”

It takes Harry a few seconds before he wraps his arm around Lottie whispering _I know, thank you_ into her hair.

The conversation lightens after that, discussing Pablo’s decisions regarding his situation. It’s fun and Harry’s mind is actually clear, no thoughts of Louis consciously and he needed that.

Lottie and Tommy leave soon after the third episode is finished, biding Harry goodbyes at the door hugging him tight with the promise of taking the kids next week to their grandma’s house.

Harry feels bad that it’s been a few days since he talked with either Jay or his mum, to be fair he didn’t talk to anyone. Isolating himself in his and Louis’ room, detaching himself from his life. Now though he has made his decision: no more moping around. Tomorrow he is going back to work, he can’t leave Rose and Jared to handle everything for too long. Working will be good as well because it’s a distraction and they need the money.

He goes to bed at 11 pm, and with it being Sunday tomorrow he knows they won’t open the café till 10 am unlike the rest of the week when they open it at 7am. He will get some good rest and try to spend the day with the kids tomorrow.

Leaving the planning to when he is at the café, he strips out of his joggers but leaves Louis’ sweater on and climbs into bed snuggling into Louis pillow. The smell was fading, but the feeling of it against him gives a certain kind of comfort, a sensation he isn’t ready to let go of.

He hears footstep and the crack of the door just when he is about to fall into a hopefully sleepless slumber. He sits up quickly alarmed, his mind all over the place. Since he got the news anything out of the ordinary send siren calls inside. He makes out the figure of Egan with the help of the small LED light in the hallway.

“Baby, is everything alright?” Harry hurries out of bed meeting his son half way through the room.

“No.” The boy is crying, it’s obvious from his wobbly voice and the small sniffles that escape him. Harry picks him up and hugs him close, laying his head in the crock of his neck as Egan clings to his father’s overwhelming figure.

Harry moves them to the bed lying down with Egan cuddled up to his chest. His face tucked into his papa’s neck with small sniffles and hiccups every now and then, Harry’s hand is running up and down his back trying to sooth his baby boy.

It breaks his heart every time he sees one of his kids cry, hurt, or be in any kind of situation that makes them sad or uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong baby? What happened?” Harry whispers ever so gently into his son’s hair.

Egan sits up, making his father adjust his placement on bed with now having his back against the headboard and Egan sitting up on his chest.

“I.. mi… miss Daddy.” His confession comes out laced with a bit of sniffling making it a bit unclear for Harry, but he got the punchline and it is brutal to hear.

“We all miss him, baby.” Harry says sadly trying to comfort his son, rubbing his hand up and down his back in a calming manner. The thing is he can’t tell him he’ll be back soon, Harry doesn’t know himself if Louis is actually coming back.

“Papa.” Egan sits up again having cuddled up into his father a few minutes ago.

“I know something is wrong with Daddy.”

Is it possible to have multiple meltdowns in the same day? Cause that’s exactly what is happening now.  It’s hard trying not to cry, he needs to be strong for the sake of Egan. So lying is the only way.

“Baby, there’s nothing wrong with Daddy.”  Harry almost let out a choked sob, but he doesn’t and he thanks whoever is up there giving him the strength to go through this brutal conversation.  God he hates lying.

“Papa, when you were crying today you said he isn’t coming back.” Egan admits, his face crumbling at the echo of words he just said. No four year old should go through this, yet here they are dealing with the emotional package that life threw on them out of nowhere.

Harry hasn’t realized he even said anything. Saying he is overwhelmed would be an understatement because what he feels is deeper and stronger. Could be melancholy, because his four year old had to know his father is probably not going be coming back home through a slip up.

Harry pulls Egan back into his chest and starts contemplating what he will say while combing through his boy’s pin straight hair, very similar to Louis’ especially the color.

“Egan, you know how sometimes when we go to the mall we tell you to stay close to us so you won’t get lost?” Harry begins with a concrete example trying to ease into the heaviest conversation smoothly. Egan nods remembering how his papa and daddy always warn him about wandering off and getting lose.

“Well Daddy, uh-” the look on Egan’s face hinders the punchline, it was strumming at his heart string so hard the string are so close to breaking. “Well he got lost, and… Um… Uncle Niall is trying to find him. That’s why he hasn’t been calling us.” Once he finishes he take a deep breath and looks into his son’s tearing blue eyes. “They’ll find him baby, don’t you worry your pretty little head. Okay?” Harry is quick to give him an empty promise. It’s the only way to avoid seeing his boy’s feelings get shattered over the idea of losing someone. An idea shouldn’t come across at the age of four.

Egan remains silent, knowing he shouldn’t tell his sister. He cuddles into his father’s chest signaling his need to stay in his father’s comforting embrace.

 The next day they are both waken up by Aurora’ squeal before she joins them for one big family cuddle. Egan arrives to school late.

 

****

 

 

31 January, a date that never meant anything to Harry. Well it used to mean pre-birthday sex, but now it the date Harry’s worst nightmare becomes a reality.

It’s been nearly month since the terrible phone call from Niall, and what a terrible month it’s been. He manages to pull himself together after his conversation with Egan and go to the café on Monday trying to distract himself. It is good so far, but today he woke up on the wrong side of bed. Everything is a mess. Egan was late to school, Aurora refused to leave her father’s side so he had to take her to the café with him.

Today is slow, it’s already 1 pm and only a few costumers are scattered around the café. It gives Harry time to think, while scanning the room looking unconsciously for a familiar face especially Louis’. Hoping that he would just appear from thin air, and meet him at the counter giving him the small chaste kiss like he always does or he would come with the children to have a family lunch or dinner in their family business. Those are somethings he wishes he gets the chance to do again.

Looking around the café, there was a couple in the back booth two boys not older than 20 years old. They are sitting close cuddling while they feed each other gently, giggling into a small love-filled peck occasionally. Harry stares at them, remembering a time when Louis and he had to be discrete during their dates because back then it was a bit awkward and rejected. Now though in 2017 he is glad that young gay couples are at ease with showing their love and Louis would have asked him on the spot to put their tab on the house and Harry would just nod smiling at his husband thinking about how lucky he is to have someone as kind hearted as Louis as his partner in life.

Now though he feels like he lost him.

He quickly asks Rose who’s next to him on the cash register to put the couple’s check on the house.

On the other side of the café near the vitrine, an old man with white grayish hair sits, a new paper hiding half of his face as he looks with a fixed gaze down at the readable content of the paper with furrowed eyebrows that falls into the same old wrinkles that paint his face. A cup of hot steaming coffee is placed in front of him with the café’s name and logo on it, taking small sips every now and then. The man’s eyes filled with sadness reflecting the sadness that seems to be ever present in Harry’s eyes. Harry catches the grieving stares immediately as the man looks up and out of the safety glass windows  (), having sported the same feeling for the past few weeks with the probability of losing Louis increasing rapidly by the seconds.

Harry straightens up and rounds the counter heading toward the old man. Maybe talking to a stranger would help? Just spilling everything to someone older, wiser, and more experienced in this stupid scenario.

He slowly approaches him, the sound of his boots leaving audible thuds on the parquet floor making the old man look up with a sad smile taking over his face.

Before Harry could speak the man gestures for him to take a seat across form his as he folds the paper neatly down the middle and repeats.

“Hello, Son.” he says with a thick accent smiling at Harry with admiration that Harry doesn’t understand.

“Hello.” Harry replies softly.

“You have a lovely café…” He trails of silently asking Harry’s name.

“Harry.”

“Harry.” He repeats as if trying to study to way the phonemes rolls out of his mouth echoing in his ears. “So, who’s L then?” The man asks curiously.

Harry chokes, not expecting the guy to be this straightforward. Then he spills everything as Paul (the guy’s name he learned) from the beginning till now, how he is missing his husband and how their kids are missing their father. How life is completely empty without Louis’ presence and the sound of his voice, his laughter or his muffled occasional snores, how his kids keep asking about their Daddy. Harry doesn’t know how he manages to refrain from sobbing, yet a few tears escape his eyes a few times betraying his strong will to not cry anymore.

Paul sits there and listens, he listens about Louis. A person he’s never met but the way Harry is describing him makes him miss that stranger. The sole admiration that Harry speaks with about Louis makes Paul’s heart clench and tear at the seams quickly connecting it to the loss of his wife earlier last year. Harry just goes on and on about odd memories of Louis.

_Louis playing with Egan when he just started walking, catching him every time he was so close to falling._

_Louis reading Aurora her favorite bed time story, the story of how they met._

_Egan asking Louis to teach how to play football._

_Louis and Aurora playing Christmas songs on the small piano Anne got her for Christmas_

It just goes on and on, countless amounts of simple memories slip out of Harry’s mouth smoothly, it feels so familiar because their love is easy, familiar yet exotic, eccentric. It’s that rush of adrenaline you get before going on a roller-coaster for the 10th time, familiar yet so good every damn time. Maybe their love feels familiar because in every single parallel universe they found each other and fell in love so easily.

Their conversation is stopped as Aurora approaches their table with a paper in her hand, leaving her spot on the floor behind the counter where she was sitting with the youngest member of the staff, Tim, who is only 15 and works part time for pocket money.

Harry turns immediately as he hears her ‘ _papa papa papa’_ string of yelling accompanied with her unsteady run.

“Yes, darling.” Harry responds immediately focusing all his attention on his excited daughter.

“I draw Papa, Daddy, Egan, Aurora!” she squeals happily waving the paper that is held tightly in her small chubby hands, around.

“Baby, that’s so sweet.” Harry coos trying to mask the tug at his heart string the moment she said the word Daddy. Ignoring it, he proceeds in taking the drawing from his hyper-excited daughter.

The drawing is of 4 stick figures, holding hands while red hearts are scattered around them with an unsteady hand. It is clear she was helped by Tim as in no way a two-year old would know how to draw this way. Each stick figure was label, Harry has Papa above his figure accompanied with green dots as eyes with red lips and long brown hair, slightly taller than the rest, while Louis has blue dots for eyes and thin lips with brown hair drawn in a quiff, Daddy is written above it.

They look happy with their kids. It would have been them now if Louis wasn’t missing. It’s a reality Harry wishes he possesses at the moment. He can’t cry, blinking back the tears welling up in his sockets, he puts down the drawing on the table before he reaches for his daughter placing her on his lap.

“It’s beautiful, Sweetheart.” He tells her a soon as she gets comfortable in her father’s arm.

“Thank you, Papa!” She replies mimicking her Daddy’s accent involuntarily.

Will this be the deep end of Harry’s life, having to remember Louis through the small action of his kids? In the small thing he does? In the places he has to be in?

It’s a life he doesn’t have to live but in the end we all have that 10% in life that we can’t control.

“Aren’t you your Daddy’s daughter? We will put this on the fridge when we get home, Baby.”  

 Drawing that will be hung for their eyes only, but not Louis’.

***********

 

After putting the kids to bed, Harry makes tea for him and Jay. She is spending the night with him to keep him company with Doris and Ernest. It is fun and relieving to have some company every now and then.

They are sitting on the couch cuddled up watching the news, chatting about Louis. It seems that it’s always like this, him chatting about Louis to people, it usually turns into him ranting. He just goes on and on about the same old things, just to a different face.

The doorbell rings at exactly 9:00 pm, Harry opens it to find Niall standing with a very familiar bag.

 


End file.
